Yesterday, I came across a blog post on the subject of bullying.  In it, the author referred to a video posted online of a bully hitting his victim several times before the victim decides he’s had enough and takes revenge on the bully.

I won’t post it here, but it’s not exactly hard to find in the usual locations.  It’s distressing footage, from all angles.

You might say the bully is getting what is ‘due’ to him.  And you might be right, in a way.  But this is just a moment in a situation that had likely gone on for a long time.  There’s a guy that finally had enough and ‘snapped’.  To get to that point probably involved a tremendous amount of suffering.

Bullying is a topic that is difficult for me to talk about.  See, I was bullied for 10 years of school.  Started in grade 2, finished in grade 12.  Physically roughed up, and emotionally denigrated, by a range of the bastards over a long period.

I carry the physical scars to this day (e.g. compression fracture in one of my vertebrae), but it’s the emotional scars that hurt the most.  They feel as raw as ever.  The physical side of things finished 20 years ago, but I live with the emotional side every day.  Such is the ‘damage’, that any situation that seems remotely threatening becomes a panic for me.  It’s like a movie is on constant ‘cue’ ready to be played back at a moment’s notice.

So what would I do if one of my kids were being bullied?  And it might sound strange that I’m not advocating ‘eye for an eye’ punishment considering my own experience.  It’s important to remember that bullying isn’t necessarily (or just) physical.

Plan A

On reflection, I’d suggest martial arts training to kids for a lot of reasons, especially those ‘at risk’ of being physically intimidated.  You’re an easier target for bullies if your seen to be lacking in physical confidence.  Being able to defend yourself helps with your confidence, and could potentially stop a physical bullying campaign from ever starting.  The most effective application of martial arts skills is knowing you have them, without actually using them.

But even with some martial arts skills, I’d suggest that kids be given the opportunity to sort it out through non-violent means first.  I think this is the best policy with most conflicts in life, as a first choice.  Remember, the bullying may not be physical anyway.

The ‘try and sort it out yourself’ approach should be pursued until there is no hope of making progress.

If ‘Plan A’ doesn’t work, then go to…

Plan B

As a parent, you need to be prepared to intervene where it’s necessary for your child’s wellbeing.

I guess the problem is knowing that you have to intervene.  I mean, a lot of bullying is kept secret, especially by the victim.  As a parent, it’s important to create a relationship with your kids where they feel comfortable to tell you about things which are causing them harm.

When they tell you, you need to act.  Some kids feel embarrassed by having Mum or Dad cover for them, but remember we all have someone covering for us – the police and the army provides protection to us all when we need it and we don’t feel embarrassed about that do we?

The primary role of your intervention is to let your child know that they have your support.  The actual intervention can take many different forms, and yes it may need to be rather extreme (but not necessarily violent).

In a twist on the usual story, I read today about a father who has taken his kids (the bullies) to the police station and had them charged with assault.  Now that’s intervention.

Plan C

I rarely advocate violence as a solution, but you know, sometimes it may be required to protect yourself or those you love from further harm.

If a non-violent intervention in Plan B doesn’t work or the situation otherwise requires immediate physical action, then it’s time to deal with the bully with an appropriate physical response.

This may mean that you, as a parent, need to provide that physical response.

It’s the last resort, but it’s a resort.